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 Chairman
(banging gavel) -- Good afternoon. This special session of the
Review Board has been called to consider revocation of ASMF
membership for writer Fielding Melish.
Investigator -- (brings Melish forward and seats him in the witness
chair.)
Chairman -- What are the charges?
Investigator -- Melish has repeatedly refused to use many of the
approved forms of ready-made vernacular as set down in the American
Society of Movie Flacks handbook.
Chairman (peering at defendant) -- But isn’t this a bit premature?
I see Melish has been a member for less than four months. Maybe he’s
too new to the game.
Investigator (laughs hollowly) -- There isn’t anybody in the
business so ignorant that he doesn’t know better than to hype “Meet
the Fockers” as “the best family movie of the year.” And the only
thing he could come up with for “The Devil Wears Prada” was “What’s
Fashion Got to Do With It?” And for “The DaVinci Code “ an
uninspired DOA. “ What part Speculation? What Part Fact?”
Chairman (slightly shocked) -- Do we have any solid documentary
support?
Investigator --We are offering in evidence an abundance of print
blurbs, poster taglines, and trailer teasers.
Chairman -- Anything else?
Investigator --Melish has also been heard, in the company cafeteria
and local bar, complaining of a trend to over hype even mediocre
movies.
Chairman (sternly) -- Is this true?
Melish (sheepishly) --I didn’t mean to use the term over hype. What
I really meant to say was, we’ve been pushing the envelope too far,
lately.
Investigator (sharply) -- This smacks of open contempt for what the
ASMF brings to motion picture marketing.
Chairman (nodding) -- These are serious charges, Melish. We’re not
literary gurus. This isn’t William F. Buckley. We’re promoters, and
like any trade, there are techniques that make it work.
Investigator (bitingly) -- Yet this man continues to ignore the most
basic principles. His stuff lacks punch, doesn’t raise expectations,
his taglines are hollow and aimless.
Chairman (shaking head) -- The first thing we learn, Melish is
you’ve maybe got only ten seconds to grab -- and hold -- a reader’s
attention. Moviegoers expect high-octane hype. Studios pay big bucks
for it.
Melish (wearily) -- But sir, almost every blurb seems to be a
knock-off of something that’s been used before. I just thought we
should try to be different.
Chairman -- Get on board, Melish. In most cases, the choice of words
is not even optional. We’ve got time-tested jargon. If you’d read
the handbook, you’d know that life expectancy is especially high for
many of our catchwords and phrases.
Investigator -- What’s more, Mister Chairman, he doesn’t seem to
realize that you don’t waste time repeating clichés that we can lift
from critics. They freely grind out stuff like “totally off the hook
. . .” “flat-out. . .” “a deeply moving …” “the year’s must-see…”
”the funniest since. . .”
Chairman -- Your point is well taken. As flacks, we occupy our own
specialized niche Investigator -- I’m afraid, it’s clear that Mister
Melish needs more professional training. Any continuation of this
hearing is a waste of time.
Chairman (leaning forward) -- I must say Melish, I agree. Some
people are born flacks. Others become good at it. And you, well you
are unable to adjust to our hyping-the-movie world. (Ballots are
passed out. Members vote. They return them to the chair.)
Chairman (pauses) -- Have you anything to say before I announce the
board’s decision?
Melish (obviously beaten down, says nothing.)
Chairman -- By majority vote, this board finds you guilty as
charged, unqualified to hold a membership card. Your name will be
taken off ASFM’s Christmas list, and you are no longer entitled to
attend free screenings. Tell me, Melish, how did you get a job in
the first place. Melish -- The old-fashioned way, sir, my uncle owns
the studio.
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Gene Farinet, an award winning veteran newsman, spent much of his long
career at NBC News as a writer and producer working with Frank McGee,
Ed Newman, John Chancellor and Tom Brokaw, covering space, politics
and special projects everywhere in the world.
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